Well, it's been a long while blogging world. I must apologize for my lack of blogging the last few weeks. Things have been sort of crazy. And, by sort of crazy, I really mean that my depression "off days" had kicked back in. A while back, while making the decision to blog, I decided that I was going to use this opportunity to use my experiences and trials to help someone else. If I could even help just one person, I'd be one happy camper.
Those who know me would describe me as full of life and easy going. As a matter of fast, my step dad used to refer to me as a butterfly because I use to flutter around the house. When I was about 16, I started to feel off. I would go to school, go to work, do homework, and sleep. If I didn't work that day, I would finish my assignment and just sleep. No matter what I did, I was just always so tired. Then, no matter what life threw at me, I was just never "happy". Things were just okay, never extraordinary.
I went through the whole dark short hair, hot topic t-shirts and awful music phase because I just had no control over what I was feeling. I contemplated the cutting route to control something that I felt, but honestly, I'm just a pansy when it comes to pain. Instead, I went the calorie counting route.
After a while, my sleep cycle completely reversed. I was always exhausted but my brain would never shut off long enough for me to get a good night's sleep. Anxiety was a huge symptom that I had to endure. Turns out I was never a "level 5 clinger" like the guys I dated thought, I had bigger issues than anyone could realize. Don't even get me started on my random crying episodes. I would literally cry for no reason at all and all the time. I always felt like I could never get a deep enough breath, my chest was always tight...especially when I was feeling anxious about something. I remember wrecking my first two cars as a teenage, but it took all I had to get back in the car after the accidents because I was so scared of another accident. The feelings eventually went away, but it took a long time.
When I met Matthew, a lot of emotional symptoms subsided because I was honestly so happy. After we got married, I finally had health insurance so I went to see my friendly neighborhood doctor at Naval Hospital Kingsbay. After multiple trips to the lab to get blood drawn and test after test, he didn't have an explanation for my extreme fatigue. I eventually saw a different doctor and he finally had an idea of what I was experiencing. Turns out that depression has physical symptoms as well as emotional symptoms. He prescribed me Zoloft. I felt such relief that I wasn't "crazy". I was beginning to think that it was all in my head.
The bad thing about Zoloft is that, in some cases, you can almost become immue to it so it doesn't work as well as it should. After about a year and a half of being on it, I started to experience the same symptoms that it was supposed to treat so rather than go to the Naval Hospital, I decided to go see a psychologist. After doing many psychological tests, my doctor concluded that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder with the underlining of depression. So, what I really needed was an anti-anxiety medication rather than an anti-depression. The only thing that is bad about getting on any sort of new medication is that the dosage is not an exact science. It takes time to get adjusted so that you know what dose works perfectly for you. Well, the last few months, I have been working with my doctor to get a dosage that works for me. One dosage didn't work for me, hence why I began having my "bad days".
My "bad days" are the days were it literally takes me all I have to get out of bed. They come out of no where. For two days, I didn't leave my bedroom other than to take my dog outside because I just didn't have the energy or motivation. I hadn't heard from Matthew in two weeks and it was just an awful time in my life. So, that is why I have been MIA from blogging. I was having my "bad days" but they extended for a few weeks. Then after I got out of my funk I got busy with school work and trips to see family.
I never thought that I would be the type of person who needed medication to get through my daily life, but I am. And, through therapy I have realized that it doesn't make me weak or crazy. I just need a little more help than the average person, and I've accepted that. My case in mild compared to other that I have studied in class. I never had suicidal thoughts or thoughts about hurting someone else. But in some cases, it does get that extreme. I encourage everyone to just be observant. The greatest thing you can do with someone suffering from a mental illness is letting them know that they are not alone. And, despite society's "labels" on them...they are not crazy. So if you aren't feeling like yourself or if you notice a loved one struggling, don't hesitate to get outside help or to speak up. It could be the best decision you'll ever make.
